The story of my life--at least part of it--is something like this. I tell God, "I'm willing to do anything for you," and I really mean it, but then something happens, and it's like God saying, "Are you willing to endure this for me?" And after weeks or months of struggling, I say, "Yes," and I think I'm back to the point where I can pray, "I'm willing to do anything, go through anything, be anything for you." And then the cycle happens again.
I'm not saying this isn't normal. I think that one of our biggest goals in life is to learn how to give our whole selves to God, and I truly believe that it's a life long process. I also think that it's a difficult and painful one. But despite how hard it is, it's worth it. I am learning to love Jesus and put him first, and nothing is more fulfilling than that.
Lately, I've discovered that my health has been one of those areas where I'm not comfortable saying, "Whatever is your will," to God. I just got to the point this summer where I was able to honestly confess to God that I wasn't okay with having CFS. And, after I confessed that, I became more okay with having a chronic illness. With some things that have been happening lately, though, I've once again struggled to trust God. Last night, I was talking to God about everything that's going on, and I realized, I shouldn't just aim to trust God to help me deal with all of this. That's a good place to start, but I should also trust that he knows what he's doing, and that his plans for me are wonderful and will advance his kingdom. I should be able to say, "This body is your temple, and I want you to get glory out of whatever happens with it." Even if that includes sickness.
I used to always think that submitting myself to God's plans for my future meant giving my future plans over to him. I had always felt called to missions, so I was upset and worried when I became so sick that I couldn't imagine a missions agency ever sending me overseas. Now I realize two things. First of all, if God wants me to go on the missions field, he will make it happen. Secondly, I need to hand all of me over to God, not just my life plans. I need to give him my relationships, my health, and my future, and let him do something beautiful with them.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I Can Teach!
I just finished my first week of teaching yesterday. It was long, a little stressful, but mainly fun and exciting. I like standing in front of a class, and presenting ideas, and seeing how my ideas work (or, sometimes, don't work). I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't gotten too terribly crushed by anything that my students have said or done; I was really worried that I would be super self-conscious and that, despite everything I told myself, I would really want my students to like me. Turns out, I want the students who care to think I am a good TA, but really, I guess I don't care if my students like me as a person--too much--haha. I was trying to differentiate between an informative and emotional message in one section, and so I asked, "What is an adjective you'd use to describe a lecture? For example, how would you describe what we're doing right now?" And while two or three students said, "informative," one student said, "boring!" I just ignored him and kept teaching, but I was actually kind of proud of myself for not letting it affect me. If one of my Greek lab students had said that to my face a few years ago, I would have been crushed!
Other things started this week, too. I am taking an upper-level undergraduate French class, which I think is a little funny considering that nine months ago, I couldn't even ask where the bathroom was in French. ("Ou est la salle de bains?" in case you were wondering. Or "Ou sont les toillettes?") So, now I'm taking a literature course and reading Guy de Maupassant, and feeling rather pleased with myself for not totally drowning in the first week. Of course, our first writing assignment is due Monday, so I should wait before I get too proud of myself . . .
I think I'm going to enjoy Victorian Poetry, too. I am already excited about taking a class that focuses on aesthetes and decadents for at least part of the class, since they're the main reason I'm still partially a Victorianist and not a full-out Modernist. We're also doing the pre-Raphealites, which I think can be cool, even though I've never had much to say about them. Hopefully that will change! Anyway, I figure that in a class that spends a whole week on Oscar Wilde(!!!), I should be able to figure out a halfway decent paper!
And, finally, this was my first week proctoring for Continuing Education. I was a little nervous, not because the job is difficult, but because there are just enough details which are just important enough that I really couldn't mess up on the first day. I didn't--yay! Turns out, sitting and watching people take tests is almost as easy as it sounds.
I'm pretty tired out after this week. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up until 9:30. Hopefully, after so much sleep and taking it easy today, I can get some energy before next week. Next weekend I'm going to Minnesota!! I'm so excited to see my family again!
Other things started this week, too. I am taking an upper-level undergraduate French class, which I think is a little funny considering that nine months ago, I couldn't even ask where the bathroom was in French. ("Ou est la salle de bains?" in case you were wondering. Or "Ou sont les toillettes?") So, now I'm taking a literature course and reading Guy de Maupassant, and feeling rather pleased with myself for not totally drowning in the first week. Of course, our first writing assignment is due Monday, so I should wait before I get too proud of myself . . .
I think I'm going to enjoy Victorian Poetry, too. I am already excited about taking a class that focuses on aesthetes and decadents for at least part of the class, since they're the main reason I'm still partially a Victorianist and not a full-out Modernist. We're also doing the pre-Raphealites, which I think can be cool, even though I've never had much to say about them. Hopefully that will change! Anyway, I figure that in a class that spends a whole week on Oscar Wilde(!!!), I should be able to figure out a halfway decent paper!
And, finally, this was my first week proctoring for Continuing Education. I was a little nervous, not because the job is difficult, but because there are just enough details which are just important enough that I really couldn't mess up on the first day. I didn't--yay! Turns out, sitting and watching people take tests is almost as easy as it sounds.
I'm pretty tired out after this week. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up until 9:30. Hopefully, after so much sleep and taking it easy today, I can get some energy before next week. Next weekend I'm going to Minnesota!! I'm so excited to see my family again!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Looking Back, Looking Forward
Shari and I got back into Iowa City around 3:30 Tuesday morning. We hung out in Iowa City for the day, and Shari left Wednesday morning. It felt a little weird having her gone, especially since yesterday was my first full day with no Shari in . . . 13 days? And we had spent pretty much every hour of those days together and still had plenty to talk about on the last day! I guess we really are talkative people . . .
We left from Iowa City on August 1st and drove about 18 hours to Salt Lake City. There, we saw the Mormon Temple, Brigham Young's house, and the view of the city from the state capitol. It was really neat to see the city--it's absolutely beautiful and has tons of flowers everywhere--but it also made me think about how many people do not love Jesus and believe the truth about him, and that made me sad. It also made me sad to think that it took me going to a city that's mostly Mormon to realize that when I live in a city where just as many people do not love Jesus.
That night (Aug 2), was Vegas night. We drove six hours to Vegas, got ready in our beautiful hotel room, and went to the top of the stratosphere for dinner in the revolving restaurant. I was adventurous and ate quail. Then, we drove down the strip and saw all the Vegas sights.
The next day, we drove to San Francisco, and we spent one full day in the city. I really loved San Francisco. The weather was perfect--high 60s/low 70s--and the city is absolutely amazing. I loved the hills, and the cable cars, and how nice everyone seemed. We had lunch at the fishermen's wharf, hung out eating chocolate and drinking coffee in Ghirardelli square, had dinner in Chinatown, and saw the bridge at night.
The next morning, we stopped by the bridge to see it in the daytime. Then, we drove to LA where I spent about an hour and a half with Oscar Wilde's manuscripts!!! I had no idea how amazing they would be. I actually got to touch the books in which Oscar Wilde had written. And doodled--Oscar Wilde was a big doodler. I filled about eight notebook pages with notes, and then Shari and I went to the Grove for lunch at the farmer's market. After walking around a little, we left for San Diego. We got there just in time to go to Wicked, and I loved it!!! It was so absolutely amazing, and I even cried a little.
Our first day in San Diego: we went to Balboa park and walked around, and then spent most of the rest of the day trying to get to Coronado Island. It was really fun once we finally got there, and really pretty. The next day, we went to the beaches at La Jolla, which were also great. There was a lot more wildlife there (we mainly just saw birds, but we heard rumors of sea lions at another cove). That night, we drove through the night to the Grand Canyon. It was pretty intense getting there--there's a part of CA where you can drive 300 miles with no gas stations to stop at. How that works, I'm not sure, but we ended up going 45 miles on empty before we finally got gas. There was a lot of prayer those 45 miles, and lots of hugging once we got there-hehe.
The Grand Canyon at sunrise was amazing. We sat for what felt like half an hour but really was three. I always heard people talk about how awesome the Grand Canyon is, and I had seen pictures, but I thought all that would have built too much anticipation and that I might be a little disappointed. Really, though, it was so much more amazing than I could have imagined! We sat and talked a lot about God, and how awesome he is, and how in control, as we watched the sun rise. We also took a lot of pictures.
From the Grand Canyon, we went to Albuquerque to visit Shari's friends, the Schenks. We spent an afternoon and the night with them, and it was great to get to meet a family I had heard so much about. From there, we left for another 18 hour drive. We stopped in Lawrence to see my cousin Paul, and then continued home to Iowa City.
Now, I'm getting ready to teach my first semester of rhetoric! In a week and a half, I'm going to be teaching college students . . . I still can't get my mind fully around that. I am really excited, though, albeit a little nervous. I think it will be a great experience, though.
This past summer, God's taught me a lot about trusting him, and this trip helped me to solidify some of those thoughts. It also helped me realize just how amazing God has been for me, and how even the stuff that seems least enjoyable in my life is being used to turn me to Jesus and show the world just how awesome he is!!
We left from Iowa City on August 1st and drove about 18 hours to Salt Lake City. There, we saw the Mormon Temple, Brigham Young's house, and the view of the city from the state capitol. It was really neat to see the city--it's absolutely beautiful and has tons of flowers everywhere--but it also made me think about how many people do not love Jesus and believe the truth about him, and that made me sad. It also made me sad to think that it took me going to a city that's mostly Mormon to realize that when I live in a city where just as many people do not love Jesus.
That night (Aug 2), was Vegas night. We drove six hours to Vegas, got ready in our beautiful hotel room, and went to the top of the stratosphere for dinner in the revolving restaurant. I was adventurous and ate quail. Then, we drove down the strip and saw all the Vegas sights.
The next day, we drove to San Francisco, and we spent one full day in the city. I really loved San Francisco. The weather was perfect--high 60s/low 70s--and the city is absolutely amazing. I loved the hills, and the cable cars, and how nice everyone seemed. We had lunch at the fishermen's wharf, hung out eating chocolate and drinking coffee in Ghirardelli square, had dinner in Chinatown, and saw the bridge at night.
The next morning, we stopped by the bridge to see it in the daytime. Then, we drove to LA where I spent about an hour and a half with Oscar Wilde's manuscripts!!! I had no idea how amazing they would be. I actually got to touch the books in which Oscar Wilde had written. And doodled--Oscar Wilde was a big doodler. I filled about eight notebook pages with notes, and then Shari and I went to the Grove for lunch at the farmer's market. After walking around a little, we left for San Diego. We got there just in time to go to Wicked, and I loved it!!! It was so absolutely amazing, and I even cried a little.
Our first day in San Diego: we went to Balboa park and walked around, and then spent most of the rest of the day trying to get to Coronado Island. It was really fun once we finally got there, and really pretty. The next day, we went to the beaches at La Jolla, which were also great. There was a lot more wildlife there (we mainly just saw birds, but we heard rumors of sea lions at another cove). That night, we drove through the night to the Grand Canyon. It was pretty intense getting there--there's a part of CA where you can drive 300 miles with no gas stations to stop at. How that works, I'm not sure, but we ended up going 45 miles on empty before we finally got gas. There was a lot of prayer those 45 miles, and lots of hugging once we got there-hehe.
The Grand Canyon at sunrise was amazing. We sat for what felt like half an hour but really was three. I always heard people talk about how awesome the Grand Canyon is, and I had seen pictures, but I thought all that would have built too much anticipation and that I might be a little disappointed. Really, though, it was so much more amazing than I could have imagined! We sat and talked a lot about God, and how awesome he is, and how in control, as we watched the sun rise. We also took a lot of pictures.
From the Grand Canyon, we went to Albuquerque to visit Shari's friends, the Schenks. We spent an afternoon and the night with them, and it was great to get to meet a family I had heard so much about. From there, we left for another 18 hour drive. We stopped in Lawrence to see my cousin Paul, and then continued home to Iowa City.
Now, I'm getting ready to teach my first semester of rhetoric! In a week and a half, I'm going to be teaching college students . . . I still can't get my mind fully around that. I am really excited, though, albeit a little nervous. I think it will be a great experience, though.
This past summer, God's taught me a lot about trusting him, and this trip helped me to solidify some of those thoughts. It also helped me realize just how amazing God has been for me, and how even the stuff that seems least enjoyable in my life is being used to turn me to Jesus and show the world just how awesome he is!!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Christian Music--Changing Opinions (Also, 4th of July!)
So, this was the first fourth of July that I was neither out of the country, traveling with Patriots, or with my family. So, I guess, it was kind of my first fourth of July "on my own." It was pretty great. I went over to Taryne's for hot dogs, then we went to Jazz festival and fireworks. Jazz festival was really great; if I weren't so tired, I would totally go back today. We listened to a Latin band and a band from New Orleans, then we ate Jamaican food before camping out for fireworks. They had blocked off three blocks over by the pentacrest, and there were tons of venders selling food and stuff. Very great. Plus, Katie met us there, and Taryne's friend A.C. And there was a group of RUF people there, so I spent a little time hanging out and talking to Tiffany.
Today, I'm totally wiped out, so I'm spending the day laying on my couch, watching Angel. (I'm netflixing season 2 finally! Part of my quest to see every episode of every Joss Whedon show-hehe.) I was going to go to Grace this morning for church because I knew I couldn't handle afternoon church at OAH, but mapquest gave me bad directions and first I ended up on a country highway driving through cornfields and then stuck at the end of a gravel road, slightly freaked out because some older guy and teenager were just standing next to their car out there. Turns out, they were shooting off homemade fireworks (no, still didn't feel too much better about driving my car down that road). So instead I listened to Pastor Piper online and prayed.
Also, I've discovered I actually like some Superchick songs. By accident, of course. I heard them and thought, "Wow, I like this song," and then was surprised to find out that it was Superchick. But I really like "Stand in the Rain", especially the first verse:
She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down
And I also really like the chorus of "Courage." Even though I prefer subtler lyrics than the verses have (I don't know the first day I felt unbeautiful/the day I chose not to eat), I do like that they're writing songs about stuff like anorexia, and I guess when you're trying to encourage people who are struggling, it's better to say the truth blatantly than in such a way that the young girls you're trying to reach won't know what you're saying. But, anyway, I really like the honesty of the chorus:
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
I'm rediscovering Christian music. I think that when I was in high school, I was largely in an "Only Christian music ever!" part of life, and then when I went to college, I realized that music by non-Christian artist could also glorify Jesus, and I also got frustrated by the fact that Christian artists often aren't great . . . artists. Great Christians, not always great lyricists or musicians. Over the past year, though, I've discovered that there are some great artist out there. I've also discovered that if I can let down my pride enough to overlook one or two awkward lines or cliche chords, there's a lot out there that can be spiritually encouraging to me.
Today, I'm totally wiped out, so I'm spending the day laying on my couch, watching Angel. (I'm netflixing season 2 finally! Part of my quest to see every episode of every Joss Whedon show-hehe.) I was going to go to Grace this morning for church because I knew I couldn't handle afternoon church at OAH, but mapquest gave me bad directions and first I ended up on a country highway driving through cornfields and then stuck at the end of a gravel road, slightly freaked out because some older guy and teenager were just standing next to their car out there. Turns out, they were shooting off homemade fireworks (no, still didn't feel too much better about driving my car down that road). So instead I listened to Pastor Piper online and prayed.
Also, I've discovered I actually like some Superchick songs. By accident, of course. I heard them and thought, "Wow, I like this song," and then was surprised to find out that it was Superchick. But I really like "Stand in the Rain", especially the first verse:
She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down
And I also really like the chorus of "Courage." Even though I prefer subtler lyrics than the verses have (I don't know the first day I felt unbeautiful/the day I chose not to eat), I do like that they're writing songs about stuff like anorexia, and I guess when you're trying to encourage people who are struggling, it's better to say the truth blatantly than in such a way that the young girls you're trying to reach won't know what you're saying. But, anyway, I really like the honesty of the chorus:
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
I'm rediscovering Christian music. I think that when I was in high school, I was largely in an "Only Christian music ever!" part of life, and then when I went to college, I realized that music by non-Christian artist could also glorify Jesus, and I also got frustrated by the fact that Christian artists often aren't great . . . artists. Great Christians, not always great lyricists or musicians. Over the past year, though, I've discovered that there are some great artist out there. I've also discovered that if I can let down my pride enough to overlook one or two awkward lines or cliche chords, there's a lot out there that can be spiritually encouraging to me.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Something I Wrote on Mother's Day
I love my mom. She's one of my favorite people in the whole, wide world. I love our "Mommy/Neenie adventures" which usually consist of trying new ethnic restaurants or cool artsy, cultural things; I love that I can call her when I'm having a hard day and ask for an "over the phone hug" (something which originated somewhere between the tornado and living all alone in a little city in Iowa-hehe); and I love that she and my dad come down to visit me in Iowa every few months.
I love that she raised James and I to love reading and learning, and that our family was the one that my friends made jokes about because when we had them over for dinner in middle school, we were discussing the scientific reason for green lettuce. I love that she told me that "friends come and go, but you'll always have your little brother," and raised James and I in a family where it was normal for family members to be such close friends. Most of all, though, I love that she and my dad raised us to love Jesus and want to glorify him in every part of our lives, and that they show us the love, mercy, and sacrifice of Christ in their own lives.
Yep, my mom is pretty amazing And writing about her was fun; you'll have to tune in in June to hear all about the wonderfullness that is my dad-hehe.
I love that she raised James and I to love reading and learning, and that our family was the one that my friends made jokes about because when we had them over for dinner in middle school, we were discussing the scientific reason for green lettuce. I love that she told me that "friends come and go, but you'll always have your little brother," and raised James and I in a family where it was normal for family members to be such close friends. Most of all, though, I love that she and my dad raised us to love Jesus and want to glorify him in every part of our lives, and that they show us the love, mercy, and sacrifice of Christ in their own lives.
Yep, my mom is pretty amazing And writing about her was fun; you'll have to tune in in June to hear all about the wonderfullness that is my dad-hehe.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
. . . et j'adore la musique . . .
So, lately I've had to "cool down" before going to bed, which usually means spending half an hour wasting time on the computer or watching TV, etc. before I can actually hope to sleep if I went to bed. And since I just got back a little while ago, I decided to wind down by blogging.
I went to the Cedar Rapids symphony tonight. I carpooled with a guy named Andrew who didn't have a ride, and it was fun to get to meet someone new from my department. The symphony did two more recent Czech pieces and Dvorak's ninth symphony. And they were really good! I assumed that they'd be decent because of all the different schools around with big music programs (hence, faculty), but I was still impressed. Not the Minnesota Orchestra, but definitely at a professional level I only thought was found in big cities.
Anyway, I have a habit of closing my eyes at times throughout concerts. It started when I was really young and made up stories to go with the music, and then it became a "I don't want to be distracted" thing . . . though I admit, I still sometimes ignore any music history I know and make up stories to go along with the music. And I love (!) Dvorak's ninth. I know that it's on everyone's "top 10" list, but I guess there's a reason for that-haha.
On the way back, Andrew got a text from a guy that had been in one of my classes last semester and was invited to a bonfire. I offered to take him there and just got out of the car to say hello to Paul. Turned out, I knew almost everyone who was there, even though they were all second and third year students. So, I ended up staying twenty minutes and talking. It was fun. However, the cool spring air and my cold didn't get along too well, and I came home to curl up in a blanket and drink warm lemon-flavored tea.
It was a good evening. I love music. So much. I really miss that part of my life. Hopefully this summer, I'll get a "practice mute" for my horn so that I don't have to leave the apartment to practice :-)
I went to the Cedar Rapids symphony tonight. I carpooled with a guy named Andrew who didn't have a ride, and it was fun to get to meet someone new from my department. The symphony did two more recent Czech pieces and Dvorak's ninth symphony. And they were really good! I assumed that they'd be decent because of all the different schools around with big music programs (hence, faculty), but I was still impressed. Not the Minnesota Orchestra, but definitely at a professional level I only thought was found in big cities.
Anyway, I have a habit of closing my eyes at times throughout concerts. It started when I was really young and made up stories to go with the music, and then it became a "I don't want to be distracted" thing . . . though I admit, I still sometimes ignore any music history I know and make up stories to go along with the music. And I love (!) Dvorak's ninth. I know that it's on everyone's "top 10" list, but I guess there's a reason for that-haha.
On the way back, Andrew got a text from a guy that had been in one of my classes last semester and was invited to a bonfire. I offered to take him there and just got out of the car to say hello to Paul. Turned out, I knew almost everyone who was there, even though they were all second and third year students. So, I ended up staying twenty minutes and talking. It was fun. However, the cool spring air and my cold didn't get along too well, and I came home to curl up in a blanket and drink warm lemon-flavored tea.
It was a good evening. I love music. So much. I really miss that part of my life. Hopefully this summer, I'll get a "practice mute" for my horn so that I don't have to leave the apartment to practice :-)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Yesterday was my physical therapy appointment, which meant all kinds of stretching and stuff for 45 minutes, so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm kinda worn out today. Thankfully, it's Friday, so it was okay that I stayed in bed until 10:00. When I finally came into my living room and opened the blinds, I saw all kinds of greenness on the trees outside my window! I can hardly see the Mennonite church on the other side of the railway tracks! Spring is here :smiley:
The high today is in the eighties (!!!), but then it's suppose to be rainy for the next three days. So I think that even though my body is a little beat, I'm going to try to get out and get a little sunshine. I'll at least go to the old capitol mall for lunch with Tiffany and then maybe I'll sit outside for just a little bit and read.
On a more serious, spiritual note, God's been teaching me a lot about trust lately, and it's not always been easy for me to learn. I always say that I trust God to do what's best in my life, but I get hurt and confused and upset when hard stuff happens. Most of my life, I've never really felt angry at God on a cognitive level, but emotionally, I know I sometimes felt that way after a few months of dealing with the tornado and with my health issues. And I know that it meant that I wasn't entirely trusting God. Yet, maybe, through those situations, God was helping me see that that kind of emotions isn't right or useful so that I trust him more in the future? I hope :-)
The high today is in the eighties (!!!), but then it's suppose to be rainy for the next three days. So I think that even though my body is a little beat, I'm going to try to get out and get a little sunshine. I'll at least go to the old capitol mall for lunch with Tiffany and then maybe I'll sit outside for just a little bit and read.
On a more serious, spiritual note, God's been teaching me a lot about trust lately, and it's not always been easy for me to learn. I always say that I trust God to do what's best in my life, but I get hurt and confused and upset when hard stuff happens. Most of my life, I've never really felt angry at God on a cognitive level, but emotionally, I know I sometimes felt that way after a few months of dealing with the tornado and with my health issues. And I know that it meant that I wasn't entirely trusting God. Yet, maybe, through those situations, God was helping me see that that kind of emotions isn't right or useful so that I trust him more in the future? I hope :-)
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