"Whatever is Your Will"

The story of my life--at least part of it--is something like this. I tell God, "I'm willing to do anything for you," and I really mean it, but then something happens, and it's like God saying, "Are you willing to endure this for me?" And after weeks or months of struggling, I say, "Yes," and I think I'm back to the point where I can pray, "I'm willing to do anything, go through anything, be anything for you." And then the cycle happens again.

I'm not saying this isn't normal. I think that one of our biggest goals in life is to learn how to give our whole selves to God, and I truly believe that it's a life long process. I also think that it's a difficult and painful one. But despite how hard it is, it's worth it. I am learning to love Jesus and put him first, and nothing is more fulfilling than that.

Lately, I've discovered that my health has been one of those areas where I'm not comfortable saying, "Whatever is your will," to God. I just got to the point this summer where I was able to honestly confess to God that I wasn't okay with having CFS. And, after I confessed that, I became more okay with having a chronic illness. With some things that have been happening lately, though, I've once again struggled to trust God. Last night, I was talking to God about everything that's going on, and I realized, I shouldn't just aim to trust God to help me deal with all of this. That's a good place to start, but I should also trust that he knows what he's doing, and that his plans for me are wonderful and will advance his kingdom. I should be able to say, "This body is your temple, and I want you to get glory out of whatever happens with it." Even if that includes sickness.

I used to always think that submitting myself to God's plans for my future meant giving my future plans over to him. I had always felt called to missions, so I was upset and worried when I became so sick that I couldn't imagine a missions agency ever sending me overseas. Now I realize two things. First of all, if God wants me to go on the missions field, he will make it happen. Secondly, I need to hand all of me over to God, not just my life plans. I need to give him my relationships, my health, and my future, and let him do something beautiful with them.