CFS Awareness

So I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank you to Dr. Oz! A few months ago, he did a segment on fatigue, and had a doctor who's known for work on CFS there, but framed CFS--either intentionally or not--as the same kind of fatigue that results from bad eating habits, no exercise, and too much stress--like it could be fixed by just "being healthy." So, the CFS community was a little mad at him. But, today, he did a segment on his show highlighting CFS and talking about the XMRV retrovirus that researchers now think cause CFS. He had a doctor come and explain the symptoms of CFS and also a CFS sufferer. While it wasn't the most inclusive or best treatment of CFS I've seen, I'm really glad that he did the segment just because it's bringing CFS into the public eye and making people realize that it's a real, serious, and horribly debilitating disease, not just something that's "inconvenient" or--worse--"in our heads."

There's a great list that I came across through a CFS forum I'm a part of called "10 things not to say to someone with CFS." The funny part was, I had been to the hospital for a medical test earlier that day, and the technician said a ton of those things to me. It was pretty annoying. Things like, "well, I think everyone would be claiming they had that" when I told her about the symptoms--the extreme fatigue, memory problems, and muscle/joint pain. I tried to reply nicely (after all, I was going to spend two hours with this woman), but when she also said things like, "Well, I thought that it was the kind of thing they didn't think existed," it got frustrating. Thankfully, she dropped the subject quickly.

I hope more people will come to realize that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a real and horrible disease and that the people who have it need sympathy from their friends and attention from doctors, not questioning and skepticism.

I like my life right now :-)

I watched V for Vendetta last weekend. Why had I never seen it before? Maybe because of silly friends who didn't like it. But I actually really, really liked it. "A Revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having." "Apparently a fake ID works better than a Guy Fawkes mask." Haha-so great.

In not-loving-all-of-life news, I've been grading like there's no tomorrow. Which, actually isn't true, because if there were no tomorrow, I would not be grading. There wouldn't really be a point. But, anyway, yesterday I graded ten papers, and I already had eight finished, so that leaves . . . a lot. About 27? So I'm hoping for 22 today and the last five tomorrow morning.

But some things make life happy even when grading is eating your life. :-)

Anticipation

Je suis malade. Meaning, I'm sick. In French :-P

I don't think it's the flu because I don't have a fever; I'm just really dizzy and had a headache and queasy stomach this morning. So I'm hoping it goes away quickly. The dizziness is a little better now, which means I might actually get some grading done this afternoon (. . . yay? . . .)

I am so very ready for Thanksgiving break. A full week home with my family! And . . . Christmas can start after Thanksgiving! I'm so excited to come back to my apartment and set up my Christmas tree and listen to Christmas music and eat Christmas cookies! Ooh-and snow! I'm actually excited about snow! We've already had so many wet and rainy cold days that now I feel like if we're going to have cold, we should at least get some snow with it.

Ooooh, and in less than two weeks--I get to see RENT! With Adam Paschal and Anthony Rapp! I love, love, love Adam Paschal's voice. Anthony Rapp, too, but when Adam Paschal sings "One Song" or "What You Own," my heart melts. A lot.

I may be feeling miserable, but life is awesome.

"Whatever is Your Will"

The story of my life--at least part of it--is something like this. I tell God, "I'm willing to do anything for you," and I really mean it, but then something happens, and it's like God saying, "Are you willing to endure this for me?" And after weeks or months of struggling, I say, "Yes," and I think I'm back to the point where I can pray, "I'm willing to do anything, go through anything, be anything for you." And then the cycle happens again.

I'm not saying this isn't normal. I think that one of our biggest goals in life is to learn how to give our whole selves to God, and I truly believe that it's a life long process. I also think that it's a difficult and painful one. But despite how hard it is, it's worth it. I am learning to love Jesus and put him first, and nothing is more fulfilling than that.

Lately, I've discovered that my health has been one of those areas where I'm not comfortable saying, "Whatever is your will," to God. I just got to the point this summer where I was able to honestly confess to God that I wasn't okay with having CFS. And, after I confessed that, I became more okay with having a chronic illness. With some things that have been happening lately, though, I've once again struggled to trust God. Last night, I was talking to God about everything that's going on, and I realized, I shouldn't just aim to trust God to help me deal with all of this. That's a good place to start, but I should also trust that he knows what he's doing, and that his plans for me are wonderful and will advance his kingdom. I should be able to say, "This body is your temple, and I want you to get glory out of whatever happens with it." Even if that includes sickness.

I used to always think that submitting myself to God's plans for my future meant giving my future plans over to him. I had always felt called to missions, so I was upset and worried when I became so sick that I couldn't imagine a missions agency ever sending me overseas. Now I realize two things. First of all, if God wants me to go on the missions field, he will make it happen. Secondly, I need to hand all of me over to God, not just my life plans. I need to give him my relationships, my health, and my future, and let him do something beautiful with them.

I Can Teach!

I just finished my first week of teaching yesterday. It was long, a little stressful, but mainly fun and exciting. I like standing in front of a class, and presenting ideas, and seeing how my ideas work (or, sometimes, don't work). I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't gotten too terribly crushed by anything that my students have said or done; I was really worried that I would be super self-conscious and that, despite everything I told myself, I would really want my students to like me. Turns out, I want the students who care to think I am a good TA, but really, I guess I don't care if my students like me as a person--too much--haha. I was trying to differentiate between an informative and emotional message in one section, and so I asked, "What is an adjective you'd use to describe a lecture? For example, how would you describe what we're doing right now?" And while two or three students said, "informative," one student said, "boring!" I just ignored him and kept teaching, but I was actually kind of proud of myself for not letting it affect me. If one of my Greek lab students had said that to my face a few years ago, I would have been crushed!

Other things started this week, too. I am taking an upper-level undergraduate French class, which I think is a little funny considering that nine months ago, I couldn't even ask where the bathroom was in French. ("Ou est la salle de bains?" in case you were wondering. Or "Ou sont les toillettes?") So, now I'm taking a literature course and reading Guy de Maupassant, and feeling rather pleased with myself for not totally drowning in the first week. Of course, our first writing assignment is due Monday, so I should wait before I get too proud of myself . . .

I think I'm going to enjoy Victorian Poetry, too. I am already excited about taking a class that focuses on aesthetes and decadents for at least part of the class, since they're the main reason I'm still partially a Victorianist and not a full-out Modernist. We're also doing the pre-Raphealites, which I think can be cool, even though I've never had much to say about them. Hopefully that will change! Anyway, I figure that in a class that spends a whole week on Oscar Wilde(!!!), I should be able to figure out a halfway decent paper!

And, finally, this was my first week proctoring for Continuing Education. I was a little nervous, not because the job is difficult, but because there are just enough details which are just important enough that I really couldn't mess up on the first day. I didn't--yay! Turns out, sitting and watching people take tests is almost as easy as it sounds.

I'm pretty tired out after this week. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up until 9:30. Hopefully, after so much sleep and taking it easy today, I can get some energy before next week. Next weekend I'm going to Minnesota!! I'm so excited to see my family again!

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Shari and I got back into Iowa City around 3:30 Tuesday morning. We hung out in Iowa City for the day, and Shari left Wednesday morning. It felt a little weird having her gone, especially since yesterday was my first full day with no Shari in . . . 13 days? And we had spent pretty much every hour of those days together and still had plenty to talk about on the last day! I guess we really are talkative people . . .

We left from Iowa City on August 1st and drove about 18 hours to Salt Lake City. There, we saw the Mormon Temple, Brigham Young's house, and the view of the city from the state capitol. It was really neat to see the city--it's absolutely beautiful and has tons of flowers everywhere--but it also made me think about how many people do not love Jesus and believe the truth about him, and that made me sad. It also made me sad to think that it took me going to a city that's mostly Mormon to realize that when I live in a city where just as many people do not love Jesus.

That night (Aug 2), was Vegas night. We drove six hours to Vegas, got ready in our beautiful hotel room, and went to the top of the stratosphere for dinner in the revolving restaurant. I was adventurous and ate quail. Then, we drove down the strip and saw all the Vegas sights.

The next day, we drove to San Francisco, and we spent one full day in the city. I really loved San Francisco. The weather was perfect--high 60s/low 70s--and the city is absolutely amazing. I loved the hills, and the cable cars, and how nice everyone seemed. We had lunch at the fishermen's wharf, hung out eating chocolate and drinking coffee in Ghirardelli square, had dinner in Chinatown, and saw the bridge at night.

The next morning, we stopped by the bridge to see it in the daytime. Then, we drove to LA where I spent about an hour and a half with Oscar Wilde's manuscripts!!! I had no idea how amazing they would be. I actually got to touch the books in which Oscar Wilde had written. And doodled--Oscar Wilde was a big doodler. I filled about eight notebook pages with notes, and then Shari and I went to the Grove for lunch at the farmer's market. After walking around a little, we left for San Diego. We got there just in time to go to Wicked, and I loved it!!! It was so absolutely amazing, and I even cried a little.

Our first day in San Diego: we went to Balboa park and walked around, and then spent most of the rest of the day trying to get to Coronado Island. It was really fun once we finally got there, and really pretty. The next day, we went to the beaches at La Jolla, which were also great. There was a lot more wildlife there (we mainly just saw birds, but we heard rumors of sea lions at another cove). That night, we drove through the night to the Grand Canyon. It was pretty intense getting there--there's a part of CA where you can drive 300 miles with no gas stations to stop at. How that works, I'm not sure, but we ended up going 45 miles on empty before we finally got gas. There was a lot of prayer those 45 miles, and lots of hugging once we got there-hehe.

The Grand Canyon at sunrise was amazing. We sat for what felt like half an hour but really was three. I always heard people talk about how awesome the Grand Canyon is, and I had seen pictures, but I thought all that would have built too much anticipation and that I might be a little disappointed. Really, though, it was so much more amazing than I could have imagined! We sat and talked a lot about God, and how awesome he is, and how in control, as we watched the sun rise. We also took a lot of pictures.

From the Grand Canyon, we went to Albuquerque to visit Shari's friends, the Schenks. We spent an afternoon and the night with them, and it was great to get to meet a family I had heard so much about. From there, we left for another 18 hour drive. We stopped in Lawrence to see my cousin Paul, and then continued home to Iowa City.

Now, I'm getting ready to teach my first semester of rhetoric! In a week and a half, I'm going to be teaching college students . . . I still can't get my mind fully around that. I am really excited, though, albeit a little nervous. I think it will be a great experience, though.

This past summer, God's taught me a lot about trusting him, and this trip helped me to solidify some of those thoughts. It also helped me realize just how amazing God has been for me, and how even the stuff that seems least enjoyable in my life is being used to turn me to Jesus and show the world just how awesome he is!!

Christian Music--Changing Opinions (Also, 4th of July!)

So, this was the first fourth of July that I was neither out of the country, traveling with Patriots, or with my family. So, I guess, it was kind of my first fourth of July "on my own." It was pretty great. I went over to Taryne's for hot dogs, then we went to Jazz festival and fireworks. Jazz festival was really great; if I weren't so tired, I would totally go back today. We listened to a Latin band and a band from New Orleans, then we ate Jamaican food before camping out for fireworks. They had blocked off three blocks over by the pentacrest, and there were tons of venders selling food and stuff. Very great. Plus, Katie met us there, and Taryne's friend A.C. And there was a group of RUF people there, so I spent a little time hanging out and talking to Tiffany.

Today, I'm totally wiped out, so I'm spending the day laying on my couch, watching Angel. (I'm netflixing season 2 finally! Part of my quest to see every episode of every Joss Whedon show-hehe.) I was going to go to Grace this morning for church because I knew I couldn't handle afternoon church at OAH, but mapquest gave me bad directions and first I ended up on a country highway driving through cornfields and then stuck at the end of a gravel road, slightly freaked out because some older guy and teenager were just standing next to their car out there. Turns out, they were shooting off homemade fireworks (no, still didn't feel too much better about driving my car down that road). So instead I listened to Pastor Piper online and prayed.

Also, I've discovered I actually like some Superchick songs. By accident, of course. I heard them and thought, "Wow, I like this song," and then was surprised to find out that it was Superchick. But I really like "Stand in the Rain", especially the first verse:


She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

And I also really like the chorus of "Courage." Even though I prefer subtler lyrics than the verses have (I don't know the first day I felt unbeautiful/the day I chose not to eat), I do like that they're writing songs about stuff like anorexia, and I guess when you're trying to encourage people who are struggling, it's better to say the truth blatantly than in such a way that the young girls you're trying to reach won't know what you're saying. But, anyway, I really like the honesty of the chorus:

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I'm rediscovering Christian music. I think that when I was in high school, I was largely in an "Only Christian music ever!" part of life, and then when I went to college, I realized that music by non-Christian artist could also glorify Jesus, and I also got frustrated by the fact that Christian artists often aren't great . . . artists. Great Christians, not always great lyricists or musicians. Over the past year, though, I've discovered that there are some great artist out there. I've also discovered that if I can let down my pride enough to overlook one or two awkward lines or cliche chords, there's a lot out there that can be spiritually encouraging to me.