CFS Awareness

So I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank you to Dr. Oz! A few months ago, he did a segment on fatigue, and had a doctor who's known for work on CFS there, but framed CFS--either intentionally or not--as the same kind of fatigue that results from bad eating habits, no exercise, and too much stress--like it could be fixed by just "being healthy." So, the CFS community was a little mad at him. But, today, he did a segment on his show highlighting CFS and talking about the XMRV retrovirus that researchers now think cause CFS. He had a doctor come and explain the symptoms of CFS and also a CFS sufferer. While it wasn't the most inclusive or best treatment of CFS I've seen, I'm really glad that he did the segment just because it's bringing CFS into the public eye and making people realize that it's a real, serious, and horribly debilitating disease, not just something that's "inconvenient" or--worse--"in our heads."

There's a great list that I came across through a CFS forum I'm a part of called "10 things not to say to someone with CFS." The funny part was, I had been to the hospital for a medical test earlier that day, and the technician said a ton of those things to me. It was pretty annoying. Things like, "well, I think everyone would be claiming they had that" when I told her about the symptoms--the extreme fatigue, memory problems, and muscle/joint pain. I tried to reply nicely (after all, I was going to spend two hours with this woman), but when she also said things like, "Well, I thought that it was the kind of thing they didn't think existed," it got frustrating. Thankfully, she dropped the subject quickly.

I hope more people will come to realize that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a real and horrible disease and that the people who have it need sympathy from their friends and attention from doctors, not questioning and skepticism.

I like my life right now :-)

I watched V for Vendetta last weekend. Why had I never seen it before? Maybe because of silly friends who didn't like it. But I actually really, really liked it. "A Revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having." "Apparently a fake ID works better than a Guy Fawkes mask." Haha-so great.

In not-loving-all-of-life news, I've been grading like there's no tomorrow. Which, actually isn't true, because if there were no tomorrow, I would not be grading. There wouldn't really be a point. But, anyway, yesterday I graded ten papers, and I already had eight finished, so that leaves . . . a lot. About 27? So I'm hoping for 22 today and the last five tomorrow morning.

But some things make life happy even when grading is eating your life. :-)

Anticipation

Je suis malade. Meaning, I'm sick. In French :-P

I don't think it's the flu because I don't have a fever; I'm just really dizzy and had a headache and queasy stomach this morning. So I'm hoping it goes away quickly. The dizziness is a little better now, which means I might actually get some grading done this afternoon (. . . yay? . . .)

I am so very ready for Thanksgiving break. A full week home with my family! And . . . Christmas can start after Thanksgiving! I'm so excited to come back to my apartment and set up my Christmas tree and listen to Christmas music and eat Christmas cookies! Ooh-and snow! I'm actually excited about snow! We've already had so many wet and rainy cold days that now I feel like if we're going to have cold, we should at least get some snow with it.

Ooooh, and in less than two weeks--I get to see RENT! With Adam Paschal and Anthony Rapp! I love, love, love Adam Paschal's voice. Anthony Rapp, too, but when Adam Paschal sings "One Song" or "What You Own," my heart melts. A lot.

I may be feeling miserable, but life is awesome.

"Whatever is Your Will"

The story of my life--at least part of it--is something like this. I tell God, "I'm willing to do anything for you," and I really mean it, but then something happens, and it's like God saying, "Are you willing to endure this for me?" And after weeks or months of struggling, I say, "Yes," and I think I'm back to the point where I can pray, "I'm willing to do anything, go through anything, be anything for you." And then the cycle happens again.

I'm not saying this isn't normal. I think that one of our biggest goals in life is to learn how to give our whole selves to God, and I truly believe that it's a life long process. I also think that it's a difficult and painful one. But despite how hard it is, it's worth it. I am learning to love Jesus and put him first, and nothing is more fulfilling than that.

Lately, I've discovered that my health has been one of those areas where I'm not comfortable saying, "Whatever is your will," to God. I just got to the point this summer where I was able to honestly confess to God that I wasn't okay with having CFS. And, after I confessed that, I became more okay with having a chronic illness. With some things that have been happening lately, though, I've once again struggled to trust God. Last night, I was talking to God about everything that's going on, and I realized, I shouldn't just aim to trust God to help me deal with all of this. That's a good place to start, but I should also trust that he knows what he's doing, and that his plans for me are wonderful and will advance his kingdom. I should be able to say, "This body is your temple, and I want you to get glory out of whatever happens with it." Even if that includes sickness.

I used to always think that submitting myself to God's plans for my future meant giving my future plans over to him. I had always felt called to missions, so I was upset and worried when I became so sick that I couldn't imagine a missions agency ever sending me overseas. Now I realize two things. First of all, if God wants me to go on the missions field, he will make it happen. Secondly, I need to hand all of me over to God, not just my life plans. I need to give him my relationships, my health, and my future, and let him do something beautiful with them.

I Can Teach!

I just finished my first week of teaching yesterday. It was long, a little stressful, but mainly fun and exciting. I like standing in front of a class, and presenting ideas, and seeing how my ideas work (or, sometimes, don't work). I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't gotten too terribly crushed by anything that my students have said or done; I was really worried that I would be super self-conscious and that, despite everything I told myself, I would really want my students to like me. Turns out, I want the students who care to think I am a good TA, but really, I guess I don't care if my students like me as a person--too much--haha. I was trying to differentiate between an informative and emotional message in one section, and so I asked, "What is an adjective you'd use to describe a lecture? For example, how would you describe what we're doing right now?" And while two or three students said, "informative," one student said, "boring!" I just ignored him and kept teaching, but I was actually kind of proud of myself for not letting it affect me. If one of my Greek lab students had said that to my face a few years ago, I would have been crushed!

Other things started this week, too. I am taking an upper-level undergraduate French class, which I think is a little funny considering that nine months ago, I couldn't even ask where the bathroom was in French. ("Ou est la salle de bains?" in case you were wondering. Or "Ou sont les toillettes?") So, now I'm taking a literature course and reading Guy de Maupassant, and feeling rather pleased with myself for not totally drowning in the first week. Of course, our first writing assignment is due Monday, so I should wait before I get too proud of myself . . .

I think I'm going to enjoy Victorian Poetry, too. I am already excited about taking a class that focuses on aesthetes and decadents for at least part of the class, since they're the main reason I'm still partially a Victorianist and not a full-out Modernist. We're also doing the pre-Raphealites, which I think can be cool, even though I've never had much to say about them. Hopefully that will change! Anyway, I figure that in a class that spends a whole week on Oscar Wilde(!!!), I should be able to figure out a halfway decent paper!

And, finally, this was my first week proctoring for Continuing Education. I was a little nervous, not because the job is difficult, but because there are just enough details which are just important enough that I really couldn't mess up on the first day. I didn't--yay! Turns out, sitting and watching people take tests is almost as easy as it sounds.

I'm pretty tired out after this week. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up until 9:30. Hopefully, after so much sleep and taking it easy today, I can get some energy before next week. Next weekend I'm going to Minnesota!! I'm so excited to see my family again!

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Shari and I got back into Iowa City around 3:30 Tuesday morning. We hung out in Iowa City for the day, and Shari left Wednesday morning. It felt a little weird having her gone, especially since yesterday was my first full day with no Shari in . . . 13 days? And we had spent pretty much every hour of those days together and still had plenty to talk about on the last day! I guess we really are talkative people . . .

We left from Iowa City on August 1st and drove about 18 hours to Salt Lake City. There, we saw the Mormon Temple, Brigham Young's house, and the view of the city from the state capitol. It was really neat to see the city--it's absolutely beautiful and has tons of flowers everywhere--but it also made me think about how many people do not love Jesus and believe the truth about him, and that made me sad. It also made me sad to think that it took me going to a city that's mostly Mormon to realize that when I live in a city where just as many people do not love Jesus.

That night (Aug 2), was Vegas night. We drove six hours to Vegas, got ready in our beautiful hotel room, and went to the top of the stratosphere for dinner in the revolving restaurant. I was adventurous and ate quail. Then, we drove down the strip and saw all the Vegas sights.

The next day, we drove to San Francisco, and we spent one full day in the city. I really loved San Francisco. The weather was perfect--high 60s/low 70s--and the city is absolutely amazing. I loved the hills, and the cable cars, and how nice everyone seemed. We had lunch at the fishermen's wharf, hung out eating chocolate and drinking coffee in Ghirardelli square, had dinner in Chinatown, and saw the bridge at night.

The next morning, we stopped by the bridge to see it in the daytime. Then, we drove to LA where I spent about an hour and a half with Oscar Wilde's manuscripts!!! I had no idea how amazing they would be. I actually got to touch the books in which Oscar Wilde had written. And doodled--Oscar Wilde was a big doodler. I filled about eight notebook pages with notes, and then Shari and I went to the Grove for lunch at the farmer's market. After walking around a little, we left for San Diego. We got there just in time to go to Wicked, and I loved it!!! It was so absolutely amazing, and I even cried a little.

Our first day in San Diego: we went to Balboa park and walked around, and then spent most of the rest of the day trying to get to Coronado Island. It was really fun once we finally got there, and really pretty. The next day, we went to the beaches at La Jolla, which were also great. There was a lot more wildlife there (we mainly just saw birds, but we heard rumors of sea lions at another cove). That night, we drove through the night to the Grand Canyon. It was pretty intense getting there--there's a part of CA where you can drive 300 miles with no gas stations to stop at. How that works, I'm not sure, but we ended up going 45 miles on empty before we finally got gas. There was a lot of prayer those 45 miles, and lots of hugging once we got there-hehe.

The Grand Canyon at sunrise was amazing. We sat for what felt like half an hour but really was three. I always heard people talk about how awesome the Grand Canyon is, and I had seen pictures, but I thought all that would have built too much anticipation and that I might be a little disappointed. Really, though, it was so much more amazing than I could have imagined! We sat and talked a lot about God, and how awesome he is, and how in control, as we watched the sun rise. We also took a lot of pictures.

From the Grand Canyon, we went to Albuquerque to visit Shari's friends, the Schenks. We spent an afternoon and the night with them, and it was great to get to meet a family I had heard so much about. From there, we left for another 18 hour drive. We stopped in Lawrence to see my cousin Paul, and then continued home to Iowa City.

Now, I'm getting ready to teach my first semester of rhetoric! In a week and a half, I'm going to be teaching college students . . . I still can't get my mind fully around that. I am really excited, though, albeit a little nervous. I think it will be a great experience, though.

This past summer, God's taught me a lot about trusting him, and this trip helped me to solidify some of those thoughts. It also helped me realize just how amazing God has been for me, and how even the stuff that seems least enjoyable in my life is being used to turn me to Jesus and show the world just how awesome he is!!

Christian Music--Changing Opinions (Also, 4th of July!)

So, this was the first fourth of July that I was neither out of the country, traveling with Patriots, or with my family. So, I guess, it was kind of my first fourth of July "on my own." It was pretty great. I went over to Taryne's for hot dogs, then we went to Jazz festival and fireworks. Jazz festival was really great; if I weren't so tired, I would totally go back today. We listened to a Latin band and a band from New Orleans, then we ate Jamaican food before camping out for fireworks. They had blocked off three blocks over by the pentacrest, and there were tons of venders selling food and stuff. Very great. Plus, Katie met us there, and Taryne's friend A.C. And there was a group of RUF people there, so I spent a little time hanging out and talking to Tiffany.

Today, I'm totally wiped out, so I'm spending the day laying on my couch, watching Angel. (I'm netflixing season 2 finally! Part of my quest to see every episode of every Joss Whedon show-hehe.) I was going to go to Grace this morning for church because I knew I couldn't handle afternoon church at OAH, but mapquest gave me bad directions and first I ended up on a country highway driving through cornfields and then stuck at the end of a gravel road, slightly freaked out because some older guy and teenager were just standing next to their car out there. Turns out, they were shooting off homemade fireworks (no, still didn't feel too much better about driving my car down that road). So instead I listened to Pastor Piper online and prayed.

Also, I've discovered I actually like some Superchick songs. By accident, of course. I heard them and thought, "Wow, I like this song," and then was surprised to find out that it was Superchick. But I really like "Stand in the Rain", especially the first verse:


She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

And I also really like the chorus of "Courage." Even though I prefer subtler lyrics than the verses have (I don't know the first day I felt unbeautiful/the day I chose not to eat), I do like that they're writing songs about stuff like anorexia, and I guess when you're trying to encourage people who are struggling, it's better to say the truth blatantly than in such a way that the young girls you're trying to reach won't know what you're saying. But, anyway, I really like the honesty of the chorus:

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I'm rediscovering Christian music. I think that when I was in high school, I was largely in an "Only Christian music ever!" part of life, and then when I went to college, I realized that music by non-Christian artist could also glorify Jesus, and I also got frustrated by the fact that Christian artists often aren't great . . . artists. Great Christians, not always great lyricists or musicians. Over the past year, though, I've discovered that there are some great artist out there. I've also discovered that if I can let down my pride enough to overlook one or two awkward lines or cliche chords, there's a lot out there that can be spiritually encouraging to me.

Something I Wrote on Mother's Day

I love my mom. She's one of my favorite people in the whole, wide world. I love our "Mommy/Neenie adventures" which usually consist of trying new ethnic restaurants or cool artsy, cultural things; I love that I can call her when I'm having a hard day and ask for an "over the phone hug" (something which originated somewhere between the tornado and living all alone in a little city in Iowa-hehe); and I love that she and my dad come down to visit me in Iowa every few months.

I love that she raised James and I to love reading and learning, and that our family was the one that my friends made jokes about because when we had them over for dinner in middle school, we were discussing the scientific reason for green lettuce. I love that she told me that "friends come and go, but you'll always have your little brother," and raised James and I in a family where it was normal for family members to be such close friends. Most of all, though, I love that she and my dad raised us to love Jesus and want to glorify him in every part of our lives, and that they show us the love, mercy, and sacrifice of Christ in their own lives.

Yep, my mom is pretty amazing And writing about her was fun; you'll have to tune in in June to hear all about the wonderfullness that is my dad-hehe.

. . . et j'adore la musique . . .

So, lately I've had to "cool down" before going to bed, which usually means spending half an hour wasting time on the computer or watching TV, etc. before I can actually hope to sleep if I went to bed. And since I just got back a little while ago, I decided to wind down by blogging.

I went to the Cedar Rapids symphony tonight. I carpooled with a guy named Andrew who didn't have a ride, and it was fun to get to meet someone new from my department. The symphony did two more recent Czech pieces and Dvorak's ninth symphony. And they were really good! I assumed that they'd be decent because of all the different schools around with big music programs (hence, faculty), but I was still impressed. Not the Minnesota Orchestra, but definitely at a professional level I only thought was found in big cities.

Anyway, I have a habit of closing my eyes at times throughout concerts. It started when I was really young and made up stories to go with the music, and then it became a "I don't want to be distracted" thing . . . though I admit, I still sometimes ignore any music history I know and make up stories to go along with the music. And I love (!) Dvorak's ninth. I know that it's on everyone's "top 10" list, but I guess there's a reason for that-haha.

On the way back, Andrew got a text from a guy that had been in one of my classes last semester and was invited to a bonfire. I offered to take him there and just got out of the car to say hello to Paul. Turned out, I knew almost everyone who was there, even though they were all second and third year students. So, I ended up staying twenty minutes and talking. It was fun. However, the cool spring air and my cold didn't get along too well, and I came home to curl up in a blanket and drink warm lemon-flavored tea.

It was a good evening. I love music. So much. I really miss that part of my life. Hopefully this summer, I'll get a "practice mute" for my horn so that I don't have to leave the apartment to practice :-)

Yesterday was my physical therapy appointment, which meant all kinds of stretching and stuff for 45 minutes, so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm kinda worn out today. Thankfully, it's Friday, so it was okay that I stayed in bed until 10:00. When I finally came into my living room and opened the blinds, I saw all kinds of greenness on the trees outside my window! I can hardly see the Mennonite church on the other side of the railway tracks! Spring is here :smiley:

The high today is in the eighties (!!!), but then it's suppose to be rainy for the next three days. So I think that even though my body is a little beat, I'm going to try to get out and get a little sunshine. I'll at least go to the old capitol mall for lunch with Tiffany and then maybe I'll sit outside for just a little bit and read.

On a more serious, spiritual note, God's been teaching me a lot about trust lately, and it's not always been easy for me to learn. I always say that I trust God to do what's best in my life, but I get hurt and confused and upset when hard stuff happens. Most of my life, I've never really felt angry at God on a cognitive level, but emotionally, I know I sometimes felt that way after a few months of dealing with the tornado and with my health issues. And I know that it meant that I wasn't entirely trusting God. Yet, maybe, through those situations, God was helping me see that that kind of emotions isn't right or useful so that I trust him more in the future? I hope :-)

Since I've Been Gone . . .

So, I know that my blog has been suffering lately from lack of posting, but life's been a little crazy. Crazy in a good way, but still busy enough to prevent me from blogging.

Last Wednesday, after French class, I got on a plane and went to Pittsburgh for the 70th CEA (College English Association) conference. I presented a paper entitled, "Home and Country: The Trauma of World War I, British Identity, and the English Home." My presentation was on Thursday. It went really well, I didn't make any horrible reading mistakes, and I was able to field the questions well. Beside my own paper, I went to hear papers read in five other session over the weekend and felt that I learned a lot about the professional academic conference experience.

I stayed with Shari for the week, and it was wonderful! I think we figured out that we hadn't spent so much time together since we were both at Union. We celebrated Christmas on Thursday night, complete with red applesauce, green potatoes, green beans, and red meatloaf. We also watched Christmas episodes of TV shows and listened to Christmas music. Friday night was our second annual dress-up-pretty and go out for dinner birthday night. Last year, we went to the historic part of Downtown Memphis, and this time, we went to La Mont, a really nice restaurant on Mt. Washington. Our table was next to a large window, and we had an amazing view of the city while we ate.

Saturday, we hung around Shari's house, eating pizza, watching TV, and taking a short walk. That night, we went line dancing with a bunch of Shari, Jess, and Crystal's friends. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle dancing physically since I'm still so fatigued, but because we did so much rest earlier in the day, I was able to really enjoy it. Sunday was church, lunch with Shari's family, and Sunday night church at Southside. I gave her my present to her that night. On Monday, we watched EMMA! Emma is probably my all-time favorite movie, and Shari's never seen it. So, we finally watched it, after three years anticipation. I hadn't seen it for at least two years, and I cried a lot. It's so sweet! I want a Mr. Knightly. Shari drove me to the airport, and I opened my present, which included all sorts of stuff she got for me in New York-including a Gucci bag! I'm pretty much in love with it. It's bronze with a sparkly buckle, and I wish I could carry it around with me everywhere!

So, this has gotten freakishly long, and all I've done is shortly summarize my past week. I will go now, and return at a time when I have interesting, non-summary kind of things to say.

Good Feelings

I think that if I made a list of my ten favorite feelings ever, one of them might be: the feeling you get when weeks and months of research and writing culminate in a single, finished paper.

Yay! I'm all ready for Pittsburgh now :-)

Rambles

I'm starting to form my summer reading list. Thus far, I want to read Passage to India, Heart of Darkness, Cold Comfort Farm, Orlando, and The Stranger (in French!!! I've already read it in English). Of course, I'm also going to be taking French, a graduate workshop, and possibly a class on post-colonialism. So, we'll see how far I get.

This weekend was fun and productive. I did some research in the library for India class and read a chapter for V&L Woolf class, but I also had social time. I went to Red Robin and then dancing on Friday night, which was really, really fun. Then, last night, I went to Natche Raho, the Indian Student Association's giant Indian dance competition. It was catered from Taj Mahal (possibly the only Indian Restaurant in town I've never been to-hehe), and the dancers were really impressive. A few groups did this thing where the guys supported the girls' stomach's and the girl's legs flew up in the air and they spun around and . . . it was really cool.

I miss Northbrook. I love the people and the mission and all that with One Ancient Hope, but I really miss Northbrook, too. I really felt like I belonged there, and my SaLT group really did care about and for me, and I miss Pflasterers, too, even though they're not at Northbrook anymore :-(. I had really wanted to visit them over spring break, but I've got SO much to study that it really didn't seem like a good idea. So, I'm hoping to see them in June or late May when I go down for Amber's wedding.

I'm going to Pittsburgh in 17 days! I'm so excited for my first professional conference! I still need to majorly revise my paper and do some further research, but it'll still be lots of fun. I love wearing suits and standing and talking in front of people and defending what I think! Hehe-I'm such a nerd! And I get to see Shari, which will be really great, too.

Well, I've rambled enough. I'm off to get ready for church!

The New(est) Book List

So, everyone's doing this "top 100" BBC book list, or other lists, and I decided that I wanted a list that would both reflect my own views of the literary canon and concurrently make me feel good (aka, only books I've read on it). We'll call it . . . THE NEB LIST: TOP 50.

1. The Bible
2. The Qur'an
3. The Iliad and The Odyssey
4. The Aeneid
5. The Divine Comedy
6. Beowulf
7. The Canterbury Tales
8. The Complete Works of Shakespeare
9. Pride and Prejudice
10. Emma
11. Sense and Sensibility
12. Jane Eyre
13. Great Expectations
14. A Tale of Two Cities
15. In Memoriam, A.H.H.
16. Hunchback of Notre Dame
17. Anna Karenina
18. Madame Bovary
19. The Three Musketeers
20. The Secret Garden
21. The Jungle Book
22. The Picture of Dorian Grey
23. The Importance of Being Earnest
24. Howard's End
25. A Handful of Dust
26. To the Lighthouse
27. The Years
28. The Village in the Jungle
29. Things Fall Apart
30. The Lord of the Rings
31. The Chronicles of Narnia
32. The Strangers
33. The Glass Menagerie
34. Our Town
35. The Scarlet Letter
36. The Great Gasby
37. The Old Man and the Sea
38. For Whom the Bells Toll
39. The Grapes of Wrath
40. Watership Down
41. Ender's Game
42. 1984
43. Lord of the Flies
44. Till We Have Faces
45. Confessions (Augustine)
46. The Pilgrim's Progress
47. Institutes of the Christian Religion
48. Idylls of a King
49. Middlemarch
50. Paradise Lost

No Place Like Home

I'm Going Home This Weekend!!!

After all the craziness and emotionalness of the past few weeks, I have been left with a strong desire to see my family. Of course, I almost always want to see my family (and I've been hoping to take a weekend and visit them for awhile), but the last few weeks just gave me a little nudge so that I'm actually going! I'm so excited. My mom and I are planning to go shopping for a pilate DVD because the doctor told me I should try pilates (my spell check is saying that's wrong. huh. can you not pluralize "pilate"?), and I think we're going to invite my cousin Joy and my aunt over. I'm very excited!

Also, I just discovered that DA Carson is preaching on Sunday. I really like DA Carson's stuff (the little I've read and the lots I've been told about), and it will be so neat to hear him preach. Also, I'm hoping to see Ian and Lydia at church and catch up with them.

I love the Twin Cities so much. When I have kids, if I'm not raising them overseas doing missions, I would love to raise them in the Twin Cities. Sure, the cold isn't so great, but there is so much culture and art, and I'd love to raise them in Bethlehem. Though, I've slowly developed a preference for smaller churches over the years. And my family is in Minnesota, and it would be nice for my kids to grow up near my parents. Haha-I'm talking like I'm actually going to have kids anytime soon. And like I can actually predict what my future will look like.

I have started to really want to have kids, though. I'm at a point where I'm happy to be single, but I really do want to be a mom someday. I think grad school has helped me realize that as much as I love academia, I don't want teaching and research to be my entire life. I want to raise kids to love Jesus, and I want to show Jesus to the world in whatever community I'm a part of. Right now, though, God has given me a great opportunity in grad school, and this is what I'm called to do. So, I will do it to the best of my ability, and let it prepare me for what will be an important--but not most important--part of my life. And when God decides it's time for the whole marriage-and-kids thing, that will be great, too.

I think I should go study.

Thursday Stuff

My last week has been a little crazy. It started off with a whole "recovering from the flu" frenzy of trying to get stuff done, and then I had a (very) minor "What am I doing with my life!" wish-I-were-overseas crisis. Also, I have a couple of friends who have some tough stuff going on in their lives, and it's hard to watch them hurting and know that all I can do is pray and leave it in God's hands.

Today was both one of the worst and best days of the week for me. I went to the internist (the appointment I set up in November finally came!) thinking that I'd just get a referral to yet another specialist who would either take forever to give me a diagnosis or say they had no idea. I've kinda gotten use to that routine. However, I was praying that God would just give me an answer today, and he did. After talking with me, the resident I've been seeing went to consult with the supervising doctor who came back and said, "Well, all your symptoms match chronic fatigue syndrome," and gave me some suggestions for how I can adjust my life in order to have some more energy. I did some research when I got home, and it turns out, reading the symptom list for CFIDS sounds a little like reading the story of my life (for the past six years). Also, while I'm always going to have to be really careful about reducing stress, getting lots of rest, and keeping my exercise to a moderate level (no more marathon plans ), doing those things should help me feel a little bit better. I have to admit, my feelings have been a mixture of "yay diagnosis!" and "I'm likely going to live with this for the rest of my life." I'm really not looking forward to the possibility of a lifetime of episodes like the ones I've been having for the past few years, but I am really happy to have a name to give to them. Also, I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to trust God with what he's doing with my health. My body is his temple, a gift given to me so that I may worship him with it, and he knows best how I should use it to bring him glory.

The doctor visit was one of the low points of my day. However, this afternoon, something amazingly happy happened. I've been going through all sorts of tough decisions about whether to stay in my apartment next year or not, whether to get a roommate or not, etc., and today, after a phone conversation with my landlord, I figured out that I don't have to move next year!! I'm so happy I don't like moving at all, and I really do love my apartment, weird pipe noises, train outside, and stinky parking lot included. It's so cute, and I've worked so hard to make it nice, it would have been sad to have to move after just one year. And, now, I don't have to. Also, I was worried that the person I had talked to about living together would be left alone, but it turns out that she just found out that she can live with some girls from her rowing team!

365 Days

This time last year, I was enjoying the 80 degrees of an unusually warm day in Tennessee. No idea that within five hours, I'd be rushing into the bathroom before a tornado threw a tree through the window of my friend's apartment, injured other Union students, damaged most of the buildings on campus and destroyed over 2/3 of student housing.

I remember the sound of the buildings being torn apart around and above me and the glass shattering. I remember being so scared that one of my friends or roommates had been killed. I remember feeling so helpless, and I remember the relief I felt when I finally got ahold of Russ and he said that Bonnie and I could spend the next few nights with them.

I remember the stomach ache and head ache I had for three days following the tornado. I remember not being able to eat or sleep well for days. I remember when I finally allowed myself to cry. I was at China Pan with the MKs. They were talking about the people in the hospital and how injured they were. While the MKs went to Walmart, I got into the truck that Russ and Hether had let Bonnie and I drive and broke down crying, and then drove around Jackson praying out loud and telling God how hard it all was.

I remember how wonderful and faithful God has been throughout this past year. For a few months before the tornado, I had been leaning on Psalm 46: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." I remember waking up after a few hours of sleep the morning after the tornado. I remember opening a Bible and reading those verses in a whole new light and understanding in a whole new way what it meant that God was holy, all-powerful, and good. I remember how God provided for me in amazing ways, working things out so that I could live with Russ, Hether, Natalie, and Isaac, helping me find a car in a single week, giving me friends who gave me clothes, books, gift cards, and other gifts to help me make it through the semester. I remember how shocked I was to hear that the firemen expected to find 70 people dead when they arrived at Union, and yet no one died. And I still see how God has used the tornado to shape who I am. Life is so precarious, and God is so awesome and good. I could die at any moment, and so could the people around me. I want to use whatever life God has given me to glorify him and help others do the same. I want to show his love to a hurting world, and I want to spread his fame through the nations.

Past Week in Brief

Oh, where to begin! Ok. First, birthday. Good birthday. I had lunch with friends, then the RUF people went out to Mexican with me and I got to wear a giant sombrero and get free ice cream, and then a couple of us hung out and ate cake at my apartment. Yummy Hy-Vee cake. So good. Anyway, birthday was a good day, and all my friends and the people who called and texted me made me feel special and loved.

Saturday, Josh, Julie, Hunter and I went to Cedar Rapids for Red Robin. So wonderful! It was really fun to hang out with them, and afterwards, we went to the teacher store so that Julie could buy stuff for her classroom. That night, I wasn't feeling so great, so I hung out at home and watched Stranger than Fiction, thinking that it was a funny movie. But no. Turns out, it's a really good movie, but really serious.

Sunday I got the flu and spent the day running between my couch and the bathroom. It wasn't fun. I thought I was getting better, but then tonight, I ended up feeling super sick all over again. So, I haven't really eaten anything significant and kept it in my body for four days, and I'm starting to feel all moody and stuff because of it. No fun.

Anyway, that's a quick update on the life of me. I'm going to try to go to bed now and hope I get some sleep tonight.

I Share a Birthday with My Blog . . .

Yay for birthdayness!!

I'll be quite honest. I love my birthday. I don't think it's because I'm overly self-centered. At least, I hope it's not. The thing is, your birthday is a day when all your family and friends want to talk to you, spend time with you, write on your facebook wall, etc. And I love my family and friends! So, my birthday is the day of the year that I get to talk to and spend time with lots of my favorite people in the world all on one day!

Also, it doesn't hurt that birthdays are a great reason to relax and have fun. I did school stuff from 8:30 AM until 10:30 PM yesterday, with only a short lunch and dinner break. So, I feel fine about just going to classes and having fun for the rest of the day. I'm meeting Tiffany for lunch at 12:30, and then a whole bunch of us are going out for Mexican food tonight! I'm super excited.